m i h a r u

08:50 am: parc laiciffo yet again
"Slowly, into the deep darkness within. It enticed me inside, enfolded me, then pushed me out...The illusion grabbed me and wouldn't let go. I closed my eyes tight again and let a concentrated clamp of time wash over me." -Sputnik Sweetheart (Haruki Murukami)

If I had the guts, I would've sent you this book with this letter:

Edward,
....
Know it as though you are undoing the words, the ideas behind the lines, the feelings, the circumstance-- like placing warm hands on a cold lithe body-- prodding soft flesh.

I hope you enjoy this book as much as i did edward.

Listen to me: we think and we dream, bec these are the only things that could be ours, even the borrowed ideas, are marked by our identities once they pass through our fingertips.
....
Love,
miharu

Nooooo!!! Let me go back to my peaceful days!

10:47 am: thoughtsII

It is strangely fictional how we read into the thoughts of another person from actions and exchanges that convince us that we've painted this individual's character as though talking could do so much. And yet to treat another person with contempt we only need one flaw and one harsh word, to judge and be judged. Like being in this slough of vituperative behavior satisfies the need to retaliate against our individual misfortunes.

06:25 pm: FanMetafic
As requested by our lit tchr...

A/N: This is a fan fiction or more precisely a twisted attempt at metafiction using Moonlight by Guy de Maupassant. Some sentences and exact wordings are his but others are mine nyahahha!

The priest halted again, struck to the depth of his soul by an irresistible wave of yearning. He looked up and lifted his gaze from the new found beauty he has discovered. And a doubt, a vague disturbance, came over him. Everything should be logical, following a cardinality of sort, sequential and not like this! Such thoughts repeated in his mind in a futile attempt not to drown in the realization of finding this thrill in the heart, the stirring of the soul, the languor of the flesh. There just has to be a reason for these strange feelings. He began to grow suspicious what if…
He sensed within himself another of those questions he sometimes posed. The moon seems to be seductive, more poetic than the sun and seems intended by its very delicacy to illumine thing too fragile and mysterious for daylight, as though it comes to make the shadows so transparent. This is not normal! Could there be some sort of conspiracy behind the too glorious aspect of the night? Why of all nights should this one moment be so different? The night is intended for sleep, for unconsciousness, for repose, for oblivion, why make it more charming than the day, sweeter than dawn or evening? He kept this argument in his head, refusing to be comforted by the mystery confronting him. He is left confounded, and a haunch welled inside him: what if all that he has been seeing is part of some twisted plot by some uncanny being?

“Are you trying to make a renegade out of me? You, whoever you are?” he shouted aimlessly at the night sky, at the distant darkness of the evening.

“I refuse to believe that anything is beyond my logic!”

Thinking about it, it occurred to him that all these sudden epiphany of about the moonlit splendor of the night seems oddly injected in his brain. Almost as though I’m out of character. He thought to himself. And why have all these admirations for the other side of nature, the wild, undisciplined side of things, chosen to reveal itself at the exact moment he decides to follow his niece!
“Aha! I shall not be fooled…Some sort of devil possessed author is playing with my thoughts, and I am like a piece of string struggling against the inevitable knotting of my own logic! Alas! Oh my forlorn logic…Oh my aching head!” He clutched at his baldness, he remembered that he has lost track of his niece in the course of his relentless banters. But he knew that she and her lover have already slid under the confines of the disturbing shade like songbirds refusing to go to sleep, lingering on to sing further away from where he stood. He has to calm down. And so he gave his last glare at the sky in his last attempt to detect the presence of the person he strongly believes is authoring or even manipulating his stream of consciousness. He gives up on the idea, defeated by the migraine he is having from all the thinking. He decides to resume his ruminating and just to simple carry on his spying because he knew that he will find no answer other than this flood of poetry that has seemingly poured from the sky over his mind and over the earth.

Tags: pen

04:28 pm: sakto ah

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Literature Nerd   Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It's okay. I understand.
Drama Nerd
Anime Nerd
Social Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Musician
Gamer/Computer Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

Tags: quizzes

02:37 am: Friday, Saturday and Sunday
Last Friday was spent with my bestfriend miko. The visit reestablished our friendship as something that extended beyond our GS and HS days. When I was walking with her back to my place I knew that I had this person to back me up even if we spend four years apart studying in different universities. The bond would not fade, and everything up to now reassured me of this belief. Henece, I am waiting to write in one of my future entries about how my bestfriend since grade four met me at *insert place* with that old familiar smile on her face and how we walked together side by side, once again conjuring memories and occurrences from the dreamings of the past and the vigor of the present.

After May 25, I was left with a bracelet and she was left with a blue umbrella to signify how we met that Friday morning hoping for the goodness of the future while relishing in the comforts of the present.

***

May 26 was spent with Gail and her family after she drove me to her home without giving me the promised head gear, thank God for seatbelts! But in fairness to my friend she's a smooth driver ^o^ Whew at least I only have to worry about lles' driving now xD

Gail and I talked about her heart aches, our troubles and other matters under the rain; a bonus we got during our night swimming escapade. Therefore It's always good to swim with a friend while trying to pretend you're a shark and she's a poor fish, to confide in each other, to have a cooking partner and to crash someone else's house for one night :]] nyaha <3

***

Yesterday was the dreaded arnis gathering. Thank Heavens it turned to be another memorable experience with my "arnismates"! Choupie, Kamkam and I even ended up giving aliases to our kohais namely aaron aka tempu//boy vanilla, raphie aka empu and joshua aka pupu. I was even tempted to give david the alias boy aso bec. he always has his trusty german shepherd with him xD I was just afraid of Sir Manny's wrath if ever he finds out I gave his first born the alias boy aso! Sir Mike was also dubbed as an anorexic although he just looks like one but is NOT<---we love Sir mike nyahaha! We were having sheepy thoughts during the sparring sessions, rattled/stressed for being assigned as time keepers and we were realizing how vain our arnismates were with all the picture taking and  arnis poses xDD dammit I forgot to bring my digi cam baka! 

Friday, Saturday and Sunday were the days that gave the words THE BEST color and meaning ;p

Tags: friends

06:46 pm: training
You’re old and you try something new and you suddenly find yourself remembering how it feels like to be a newbie. You’re a novice once again even if you’re older and supposedly more mature. It is similar to being the only seventeen year old amidst a room filled with grade one students, and you are expected to learn what they are learning - back to level one but this time you are the ignorant-who-should-know-better. You then ask yourself why you allowed fear to hinder you from doing these things when you were younger, when you still had the excuse of age and ignorance. Whew. I can’t believe I’m still afraid of people. "There is no reason to fear what you do not know" uso.

Tags: pen

08:28 pm: sari-sari store!
We finally opened our RUDEN sari-sari store. My coy trait got the better of me as I decided to shy away from the customers only to get teased by my cousin after: "Takot sa tao hahahaha (You're scared of your fellow humans!)" After a few days of sneaking and trying to get my father to buy me ice cream and loads of C2 while using stick O as a straw (My food trips are wierd *bow*), I eventually got over my scurrying-away-from-people-like-a-rat syndrome and met customers with a smile. I even had this embarrassing incident wherein a big tattooed guy said I gave him the wrong amount of change while I persistently countered his claims. It turned out that I was wrong amidst the fact that I used a calculator - how lame was that! Good thing the tattooed man wasn't mean or hot headed else I would have met my black-eyed face in the mirror after the said encounter ;p

I miss my friends. TT

Southern vamp mysteries (books 1-3 only) is gloriously witty, unsophisticated version of Anne Rice. Sophistication would include all the descriptive drudgeries that Rice is prone to so all the harris fans pls calm down and try to view the more sanguine side of my comment ;p It's not intellectually stimulating though :( but if you strike out the word intellectually I’ll just nod my head. Wahaha how lewd of me ^O^;

Tags: life

12:54 pm: fangirl partI-a
l"We've all been born repenting someone else's sins"

"Are battles something people want to go into?"

"What's the use of worrying about your beard when your head is about to be taken?"

"It is said when fireflies are young and still living in water they complain a lot but once they turn into adults they become quiet

"Everyone is suffering; i you dwell on it too much you'll lose it someday""


(Samurai Seven)

Tags: fangirl

07:20 pm: ikaw
bigla kong namiss yung kaibigan ko. T........................................T bakit ganon. hmmm miss na kita sana makapag-usap naman tayo. sana buhay ka pa. hindi na kita crush/idol pero mahal pa rin kita bilang kaibigan. wah. sana nakakangiti ka na ngayon. glompglompglompglomp naaalala ko pa dati I would always wait for you to be online. shiyet those were the times. haaaay sana talaga maayos ka: walang bisyo, may girlfriend, may kadamay, sumisipa at buhay na buhay. <33

Tags: friends, love

06:00 pm: too many questions

I’m not up for a competition. It’s simply too exhausting to compete with someone you’re not supposed to be taking up a challenge with. In the first place we do not share the same talents, the same experiences and the same values or at least not the kind of values that might probably increase my chances of winning. Sometimes I wonder if I have any talents. Asking that question is similar to looking for that one niche where I could belong, stay in and probably build a whole ecosystem around ;p

 

Something that I would have excelled in without so much effort, would that be talent?

 

Answer: “You’re lucky - playing beautifully without doing anything.” “Excuse me? I played it so much that I would have vomited blood” (Nodame Cantabile)

 I feel as though everything I do is a constant struggle. Should I call writing my talent? Would other people’s belief in my suppose to be  writing skills be raised to the level of truth and would that be enough to affirm this talent's presence? (Have I been genuinely making words my own?) I also would like to believe in this. But certain instances succeed in making me gaze at failure with a chagrin streaked face, failure in a sense of being defeated by the consciousness of an existing lack. Lack of what I do not know. I only know that there would always be someone better than me and I have never been comforted by the thought that I am better than some unfortunate being. I know I am special in my own way. At least I have to have faith in this statement so as to survive whatever disparaging thoughts (of not being good enough) and to be able to have that confidence. [There are just some  things that all of us have to put our trust in.]

 

God, please show me my own passion. Teach me to share your passion. I desire to use whatever potentials that are hidden in me. Allow me not plainly to shine but to see that I could use this, not just to see but to prove that there is worth in my existence. I know I should not look at other people’s achievements if not to use it as an inspiration but this is one of those moments when I need your strength. Or maybe I’m not listening enough, maybe I’m not grabbing as hard to opportunities presented to me as I should. Should I experience some terrible life threatening disease first before I decide to “run harder”? I’m prostrate by my own foolish doubts. I should have faith. My belief would save me because it lies in God and God never fails to deliver. God, help me to deliver this time. Please help me. I want to be in ADS (tipong magaling na miyembro nito) and to act!!!

Tags: pen

05:40 pm: tahanan
Ang sarap ng pakiramdam ng may inuuwian kang bahay at pamilya. Yung may lola kang mamanuhan, yung may nanay kang hahalikan sa pisngi, yung may tatay kang makikipag high five hehe at yung may ate na binabati kang "hi behng kyut!" ;p

Tags: life

05:50 pm: "Speak Your Way" -Angeli G.
Sa mga panahong nakaliligtaan mong mag-isip
O nag-iisip ngunit
Hilahod sa pagsasalita,
Doon sumama ka
[Minsan lang to!]
Magpadala sa bugso ng kaloobang ayaw magpapigil!

Practice lang yan! ;p

Bawat salita tamnan ng hangarin
Patungo sa paglaya
Ng isang makabuluhang mithiin.

Kaunti lamang ang bukas,
Marami ang ngayon
Mga sandaling hindi dapat masayang
Kaya buksan mo ang iyong puso
Subukan mong muli
Dahandahanin ang pagwika ng
Iyong saloobin :]

Tags: poetry

10:32 am: awwww nostalgia
Namida wa Shitte iru
Ending Song
Lyrics By: Hiroshi Yamada
Music Arranged By: Taku Iwasaki
Vocals By: Hiroko Kasahara


When you did nothing but weep, I was also at a loss. I looked up at the sky and my heart was in pain. When you are uninjured You can be hit at anytime by anyone. It is the same surprise as when Touching cold water. I'm only next to you And I can't do anything, but For you only I'll make a present of All the happiness in my smiling face, Carrying you anytime.

You can believe your dreams are coming Just for you. You can cry because you can make any sadness Into wings in your heart.

Protecting someone Is not an easy thing to do, is it? I can't stop the rain From falling on your head either. Even with only a little courage-- I don't want to give up. Someday, if I become used to my Real strength... Even a small butterfly Can cross an ocean. "Someday, for sure," is all I can tell you, But that frustrates me.

You should believe a rainbow is coming To the tips of your toes. You should believe your time will come, Soon, in the middle of a new breeze.

So yes, a dream is definitely coming-- Spread open that heart. Your tears knew that, without a doubt. I think they came from tomorrow to tell you.

You can believe your dreams are coming Just for you. You can cry because you can make any sadness Into wings in your heart.

Tags: nostalgia

07:38 pm: fictio
She asks me to be quiet.

I will make you my own she says.

And from the darkest crevice of the undiscovered realm of my Father's kingdom, from whence nothingness once dwelled, where she meanders...grappling in the solitude of night where my voice is the monotonous ring that allows All Things to be created...she tries to catch white doves: they are as she says to be made real. She asks me to hold her hand quietly. to be freed I must speak Written Words, the forgotten language.

“Let me…” she says

As though everything depended on these recollections, on the countless memories that would be imbedded in the language of Written Words – in the tongue of my ancestors she asks me to “create”

“…the illusion.”

The only true words that would blot the paper would be from my pen. You will be the cascade of sentence that will pour out from my soul. You will make me remember the feelings buried in trivialities of everyday life. I will call you mine. Something I will bear inside of me, the one I will let out after days ripen into weeks and the hole in the sky be filled by the brightness of another full moon. I will enlist the help of the heavens to unearth my unconscious to make allegories out of dreams, to build castles behind the passing clouds, to create the only world I would have a key to.

Let me create!

And it is then that she tells me her name:

YOU

Tags: pen

02:31 pm: "nagaadik" as Jiro calls it ;p
I just discovered [Naked Ape's']...Switch...it's love! <333 nyaha Kai looks like L!!! nyahaha 7ghosts has potential so I'm still hooked ;p

They say when you smoke, you feel good until the nicotine starts to act on your head and make you dependent and that's bad becaue you'll still feel good despite this...well I get the same feeling when I procrastinate; I'm digging my own grave >.>

Tags: fangirl

07:03 pm: finally...self-respect
...

And we went on singing
About how the clouds caressed God’s firmament
Like blanched hands touching clear waters
Like cotton that grew on forget-me-not fields

...

She said: you are special.

And I believed her.

...

Tags: poetry

10:16 am: random frustrations ^^;;/kalokohan
For the six months of staying in our new house and having the tennis court situated just in front of our home, I've attempted to try tennis several times and succeeded in actualizing my plans of "playing" (if you call not hitting the ball playing TT;;) only a handful of times. Well, hitting the ball needs practice, hitting it correctly needs a lot more than just practice, and practice needs time BUT waiting for the appearance of a Tezuka look-a-like will not be happening any time soon. Dammit why don't I see any hot young men with their shirts lifting a few inches up as they ingeniously receive the ball, leaving their enemies to the clean slate of defeat? And that would be a good replay of a POT ep. Instead, I get to watch middle aged men and it's Rocky Balboa all over again TT

Okay momipoyou, forgive the retired gentlemen they're having fun but wouldn't literally staying from morning till dawn be a little too much. Give the younger generation me!! or some bishy or better yet a bishoujoa chance to be thePOTdream *welga, strike!!*

***

Our auntie-lola is here! she's having a grand time making a saint out of my mother *evil laugh* go for it lola!

***

Icantlivewithoutyouwhatamisupposetodoaboutitivegotadiseaseyoudrovemetothefireandleftmethere
toburneverythingyoudoistragicallmylifealmostmagicsetmefreeofmydisease!!!ohoohohohh -Disease by Matchbox 20

***

Whatdowelearnhereislovetastesbitterwhenit'sgonefunnyhowitcomestopastandallthegoodslipsaway

SHAME

***

walangmagawaangbatangitowalawalawala RUBY yey!
END

09:36 am: destiny is not my excuse, it's my reality
I passed USTET...passed something else...I knew God was telling me something *grawr*

I specifically asked HIM: God if you want me to be the president of the Phil you'd let me pass UPCAT, if you want me to be a nurse/doctor let me pass USTET, if you want me to be an executive VP of a company then let me pass ACET....the answer is now VERY clear: he wants me to be in the corporate world....in the words of Jessica Zafra: worlddominatrix here I come!! ;p from now on my rants are over and I’m thankful that the way I should go is now clear as an unpolluted river: hallelujah!

I’ve always wallowed in regret and waded in the morbid blood bath of bitterness and sentimentalism. I reacted, complained, annoyed and bruised my already battered pride in my pugilistic attempt for self-torture. Now I vow to stop such complaints. Rants will be reserved for special occasions and for several I’ll-be-over-this-tomorrow entries (ahem pls feel free to take this as an example). I’m letting grades be the signpost but not the conclusion, the gauge but not the determinant of intelligence because knowledge is a continuous acquisition. If the mind is impeded by figures, adulterated by thoughts of failure because of numbers that would soon be irrelevant when one continuously scales the boxed up wall of reality then it would be plain stupidity to dwell on the past. I’m setting my self free.

Tags: courses, school

09:31 am: My writing state a few days ago...
It has been a long time since the impulse to write has been subdued and all words left my mind unheard.


Silence is sometimes the best insult.


Why the *insert several profanities* can't I write beyond five sentences!!!! *stress mark, eye twitching at the pc screen*

Tags: pen

01:57 pm: school >
MALAPIT NA PASUKAN!!! *panics* wala pa akong libro! Yep you heard it right! wala pa akong libro! pinangchowking ng mga magulang ko yung pambili @.@ haha biro lang pero waaaaaah nakakaloka....*rantrantrant*

I need to pass UP or Ateneo if I don't then I will be sad (labo noh) and it will take another year or two to boost my already poor self-esteem. sadness.

The UPCAT and ACET became such a big deal for me when my parents i.e. my father started to "dream" about the low tuition and the companies who would call me for jobs; the path to a good future paved more widely for their daughter, an advantage that studying in these renowned universities could bring. Maybe my father knew of the undeniable stereotype companies place on non UP or Ateneo graduates. He was a victim of that. He couldn't be promoted higher than senior manager of the Outbound Logistics and National FMU head because he only studied in Leyte in an unknown school. Bastards. To think that Mr. Gan worked his way to become what he is today -- from a rank and file to a manager -- the result of continuous promotions bestowed upon a hardworking man.

When I asked my parents why it was so important that I get into UP or Ateneo they told me that what happened to my father and to some of their successful classmates does not happen to a lot of people. God blessed them out of compassion -- dahil makatarungan lang na mabiyayaan ang mga naghirap ng todo sa kabataan nila. Sa sinasabi kong paghihirap ito yong pagigingworking student, kung anu-ano ang trabaho mula tigabuhat ng kopra hanggang sa paggigingwaiter, yung di sinusustentohan ng magulang, yung paggawa ng gawaing bahay ng di gumagamit ng ricecooker (gagawa ka pa ng apoy, magtatabas ng kahoy etc), walang gripo (mag-iigib ka pa), mamalantsa (gamit yung lumang klase na de uling pa) atpb...ginagawa ang lahat ng ito o higit pa ng hindi lang para sa sarili mo kung hindi para rin sa pamilya mo’t sa ibang tao.

My parents’ lives were hard. They were not the bourgeoisie brats, born into wealth or rich kids who studied in private schools. They say I’m having it easy. And I know that the least I could do for them and for myself is to study and pass UPCAT and ACET. Amp. Kapag di ako pumasa nakakahiya sa mga magulang ko, sa sarili ko, sa mga kaibigan ko at sa mga guro ko. Haaaaay. PERO kung di ako pamasa, di rin ibig sabihin na mamamatay na ako. May plano pa rin ako kapag di ako pumasa xD hahaha halata bang “paranoid” ako ;p gomen ^^